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Ho Ho Hired!

Published December 7, 2012

santa taking a test

It’s almost time for Christmas. Time for candy canes, Rudolph and his red nose, family gatherings and glistening happiness under the tree brought by the old guy, himself.

Santa, the giver of holiday cheer, the aged benefactor of children worldwide, who unselfishly gives of himself year round to the pursuit of joy, is certainly busy. But what does he do in the off season? Take the Mrs. to Thailand? Learn to water ski?

Probably not. Working for a non profit, chances are he will be looking for a summer job. But if he comes to your town, should you hire him? What makes up this vigilante of cheer and what is he really like behind the cocoa laden stomach and velvet red suit?

Sleep tight. We have him all figured him out.

Problem Solving Ability: Average to High

As the incumbent overseer, he provides security and comfort, and an overall solid organizational structure. We assume that he defined his career in the beginning, hustling to get his name out there, but these days all of the work seems to be completed by his staff. What we don’t know is if he lucked into his position, that spread like virtual fire among burgeoning nations, or if he really did mastermind the season of joy. In either case, IQ increases with age and he is at least 800 yrs old, plus he has had the most experience in this position (as employee #1).

Conscientiousness: Low

A savvy businessman, Santa adhered to Lee Iacocca’s statement of “I hire people brighter than me and then I get out of their way”. He has ingenious elves working for him, who toil day and night, making sure everything is perfect. However, all of the achievement orientation comes directly from the Keebler variety. He is not interested in making money, as his only real monetization strategy comes from panhandling in front of grocery stores.

Extroversion: Very high

He is one of the biggest A listers out there. Think of how many home visits he makes a year, how many conversations he has with multitude of children begging for finery, not to mention the countless TV and movie appearances (We’re talking to you, Lifetime). He has more mall visits in one day than the entire career of an 80’s pop star. You couldn’t get make it through one season, let alone centuries of this mad capped public demand, without extraordinarily high extroversion.

Stress Tolerance: High

He’s always jolly. He maintains the same emotional balance the day before Christmas as he does the day after. The caveat is that he doesn’t really have to worry about stress, uncertainty and pressure, as his factories are well run by his elves. He barely even got mad when kidnapped by Lock, Shock and Barrel. Perhaps it is sugar induced euphoria? Could he be addicted? – Recommendation: Drug Test.

Agreeableness: Low

First instinct is to assume he is highly agreeable. He grants wishes and spreads empathy and warmth around to all who believe. However, if you don’t believe, you don’t get anything. Outwardly he is empathetic, but it’s possible he is just seeking out self gratification through the pursuit of a large following. He is incredibly decisive, and once blacklisted it takes at least a year to improve your status. His punishment system delivers nothing to bad kids but soot covered hands and a messy stocking, further perpetuating the naughty cycle, because lessons must be learned. More telling is the militant rule over his office. When do his staff receive presents, holidays or time off? They work around the clock, often with no breaks. Only the most disagreeable boss would bypass the labor board to deliver kind of systematic success

Openness: Very high

Who can overtake a holiday and create ultimate festive domination without an amazing imagination? One must be highly creative to design a strategy to garner worldwide legion of happy people. He must come up with novel ideas for new toys, and refit the old outdated ones. Moreover, he has crafted a way to complete the food budget each year, replenishing on cookies, milk and carrots received each Christmas night. An ingenious non profit system that helps pay for itself.


Santa Claus maintains a powerful, high level organization at his shop and a mind control that gives feelings of security and euphoria to the masses. He has devised a monopoly with an oppressed, yet appreciative, lower class and the world loves him for it.

In a parallel universe, Santa would make an excellent dictator. His position is ensured and he is in control, but he relies on supreme acceptance from his workers. Without them, he would be just another man with a sack.

Full time he would make an excellent commander. Don’t be fooled by the fluffy facade, he’ll whip your team into shape. But, unless you’re looking for a temp consultant, he probably isn’t fit for part time seasonal work.

Put him in the maybe pile, check it twice, and know that Father Christmas will come at a price.

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